Nanay's Birthday

Today Nanay Olid is supposed to have turned ninety-three years old had she never left five months ago. Yes it's been five months but it still seems like yesterday. I constantly dream of her which means I still have not let her go.

I miss all the coversations which always turned funny when Nanay would say words that none of us at home would understand though we knew what she meant. I miss teasing her. I miss seeing my younger brother teasing her even more and I miss the even funnier conversations she had with Papa. I miss buying her mangoes and telling her that the "orange juice" on the table is her favorite "tubà" (coconut wine) just so that she would eat. I just terribly miss her...

 

Unwell

I got no work tonight so I am supposed to be in bed, enjoying more good night's sleep but here I am wide awake and still on the net despite my almost sored eyes. I continue to have this self-discipline issues. I know what I have and what I need to do but I'm not doing them. I am way too passive again. I think about a lot of different things instead of just letting things to happen as they do I sort of think ahead and I'm thinking ahead too much. Other than that, I'm having so many bad habits that I just can't stop doing causing me to worry about my health. I feel just next to killing myself now with all these bad habits I continue to be doing. And here goes my finances. I only have like three hundred bucks in my wallet and I still have two weeks before the next pay day. I am supposed to be so worried but I don't know why I'm not. I mean, I do think about where I'd get money so that I can go to work but I have to like force myself to worry before I do. You said passive? Yeah, definitely.. I'm not even sure if that's still the right term for that. If there's a worst term of being passive then that's it. I just don't know what to think and do anymore. Too tired to do anything or should I say, too lazy to do anything. I'm not motivated to do the things that I know I must and I should do yet I do the things that I must not and should not do.

I'm so afraid of myself for myself. I am so unwell physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm not even sure when was the last time that I've gone to church. Another thing I know I have to do but not doing. If I am to make a list of these things, it'd be a pretty long list.

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Alone Again, Naturally

I went to the beach last weekend with some office mates. Well, it was actually quite a number of us. The beach is located at the south-western part of Cebu Province called Badian, four hours away from the buzzing city. The place was so nice and the summer sun was at its best with the heat. It was a long trip and while at the rented vehicle we already started drinking, first was a bottle of tequila and then followed by a rum. The drinking really made me dizzy added with the sleepless night since we still had to work Friday evening. A few of my office mates brought their girlfriend/partners with them. There were about twenty of us all in all. It was really a good time to unwind after the stress from work. Actually it's my first time going back to the beach since May of last year.

While we had a good time at the beach, there were also moments I spent on my own thinking about a lot of things. I'm just so uncertain. I kind of feel so sad thinking about certain things.  The good feelings has turned bitter and this is what I was so afraid of.

I'm in so much trouble and pain with my feelings and myself now. Confusion and loneliness had always been my company all these days but now it's getting deeper and deeper I can feel it stubbing me slowly and deeply...so deep I could hardly breath. 

I don't know what to do anymore or what to feel. I'm such a loser.

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☠ Cʏᴄʟᴇ ᴏғ Mᴀᴅɴᴇss ☠

This cold February morning is numbing my skin. And the rain just seem to keep on reminding me of my cold, lonely and bitter heart. I don’t know what got into me recently but I just felt so much of this nothingness. Felt like I seem to almost let go of a hope which I’ve been keeping for quite a while now.

I am so afraid with this feeling. Hopelessness is one of the worst things to happen to a man because that’s just the same as giving up. I haven’t given up in a certain situation or a certain person without having given a good fight for what I want to happen and what I know is best. Now, I’ve once again been so passive with everything going on and I’ve been here before..not even so long ago that was yet here I am again.

It’s crazy how things are sometimes. One day we’re happy, the next day we’re miserable. One day we get lucky, the next day we just seem to be in a series of unfortunate events “so they say”. From being happy we sometimes forget all the other kinds of emotions there exist and though we sure had been stung by a bee yet we still get surprised for the pain the next time it happens. There are people like myself sometimes, who feel guilty when I’m happy because I know sure as hell that there’s a lot of unhappy people around me for whatever reason there may be. Sometimes fun and joy also makes other people anticipate that there’s gonna be a quick turn of events, some kind of bad luck or ugly situation might happen which would cause you pain and sorrow.

For some, these kinds of cycle have been too quick to happen yet for others they take years. They get happy, felt sad the next day, then alone and miserable, and then they felt empty, found the meaning of existence again and so on and so forth. There are people -unkind- people, sometimes they are even those what we call “friends” who would blame us for not being able to leap to the next cycle too quick without minding the fact that we don’t always get a hold of everything that’s going on in our lives.

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