Even Just For Christmas

In just a few hours the world will be filled with exchanged greetings and wishes, fireworks, parties, Noche Buenas (though not for all) and well, people who are at work though they wish they aren't -just like myself, my Dodong Owen and my Fabrice. In over five years that I've been working in a contact center I have almost "always" spent Christmas at the office, I'm not saying there's something wrong with that...just that I wish I can spend it at home with the family, all happy and filled with love and peace. There were a few Christmases like that since I've grown up, yes just a few!

I remember back then when i was a little girl...Mama would always be busy preparing for food, no matter how hard it was to earn she had always made sure there will be a Noche Buena to be shared for Christmas Eve. Nanay was still with us, I still didn't know how "unfair" life can be. Even if Papa has already been in bed I still felt like "we're all happy". Then I grow up.

I don't want to sound unfair and so negative, just a little nostalgic. There are MANY things and blessings to thank for. Change is just being itself, so constant. I can't help but feel the longings of those who i wish can be around or can still be around for a celebration.

It's the second Christmas without Nanay and many years since I have spent Christmas with Titing....oh how i miss that brother!!!!!! Dodong and Fabrice are not here either...mais, c'est la vie.

Sometimes I think of Santa and my wish list:

Even just for Christmas I wish Papa can be healthy again.

Even just for Christmas I wish all my brothers and my sister can be around without any issues.

Even just for Christmas....

I am looking forward for better years with more blessings of good health, love, peace and harmony in the family. Thank God for ALL the countless blessings, the love of the people who care for me and the love i have for them is more than enough to thank for.

Though this Christmas won't be one of those joyfully celebrated Christmases for me and for those who are like me, I wish with all my heart that those who are lucky enough to spend this with their loved ones will enjoy it to the fullest. Even if i'll be at work, in my heart I am joyful because of the gift of good health, love and peace for me, my love ones and good friends.

A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all! May the blessings be shared with the needy...a healing for those who are in pain, a comfort for those who experience loss, peace for those at war, faith for those in doubt, guidance for those who are lost and strength for those who had tragedies. God bless us.

Tᴡᴇɴᴛʏ-Sɪx Yᴇᴀʀs ᴀɴᴅ Wʜᴏ's Cᴏᴜɴᴛɪɴɢ?

Thank God for best friends!!!

I just had my 26th birthday last Monday, the 13th of September. It's been twenty-six years after Mama had that painful yet rewarding (4th) labor pain and the risk of her own life for the life of her daughter. Since then she continued her love, support, care and understanding and she is continuing to touch my life and to help me in becoming a better person. She's the sweetest person ever, the best mother of course and for us -her children- she's the epitome of "kindness".   Despite the distance and time constraint she really came to the city from the countryside just to be with me on my birthday and to cook her "rice cake" and best "bam-i" ever!!! I was very touched, and my younger brother really came here from work down south of Cebu as well.

My birthday don't fall on a "pay-day" so there was an issue with the budget but my family doesn't care about the money, we know how to have fun and enjoy the moment with what we have. My nieces and nephew told me not to be sad even without much money and they did their effort to make us all laugh the night before my birthday with all their dance moves and their funny-innocent lines.

My man, though far away, did make a very touching effort too by sabotaging my best-friend and my brother with his surprise gifts of bouquet and chocolates. These simple things touched me a lot. I hope I have touched their lives the way they did with mine. Life is beautiful if we see it in a much simpler manner and if we get to appreciate even the simplest form of kindness and value that our loved ones do to us.

I miss the presence of Fabrice, Papa, Mama Lena, Titing and Nanay...I wish we could have celebrated it all together but this wish is already beyond possible, life could never be perfect but I know that no matter where they are they remember and they also wished to be with me, I'm sure they love me and knowing that is already enough to make me happy.

 I am grateful too, to all of my friends who took the time to sincerely send me their wishes. Thank God for the gift of life and for giving me such loving people around me. My happiness is beyond words...seeing the smiles at home, hearing my man's voice, knowing that I am valued and loved feels so good and very touching.

It's been twenty-six years and I'm still trying my best in becoming a good person to serve God's purpose of giving me this life. I don't get to have a "simple" or "easy" life like most of my friends do. There had been a lot of serious trials I had to pass to get to this point where I can look back, sigh and say I made it. I never thought I could still smile after all those years. Growing up with Papa being in bed and seeing Mama trying to feed us and keep us on the right track at the same time, begging and seeking help from other people to survive and to finish school was not a joke but I was not alone all the way. I don't have the capacity to understand His will and His plans but I have to trust Him, otherwise I would fall again.

Things are doing "well" now, NOT PERFECT but GOOD ENOUGH to be thankful of. I have a loving family, I have a faithful, kind, true and loving boyfriend, I have enough good friends, I have a job to sustain my needs. Me and my loved ones have good health and I am slowly regaining my faith. I don't have the luxuries but I have enough to thank for.

With my Super Mama and pretty nieces!!!

Pᴀɴᴅᴏʀᴀ's Bᴏx Rᴇᴄᴏᴠᴇʀᴇᴅ

Since my Sony Ericsson Walkman phone got busted I no longer have accessed this blogger ccount and I just kind of never thought about it until yesterday when I felt the urge to really have a blog..lol.. Anyhow, I'm glad that I still recovered this inactive account.

Now, I feel like I need to update this i-diary. I felt like not being fair to "happiness" because when I was sad I could write everyday to help me cope with my emotions and all the issues going on inside me. So, so much with the drama...let's go with my joy this time.

After the feeling of being lost for some years here comes the time when I feel rejuvenated. I've waited for this moment like "forever". I remember my younger brother told me when I was crying and feeling so down and depressed to the bones that "this too will pass". That wasn't a new line, heard it many times in my literature classes back in college but it didn't mean a thing to me. When I was down that line was just too impossible but it did pass. Looking back gives me not much pain anymore, it gives me more learning and understanding to His Will.

Once I wrote that I was in a certain "cycle of madness". I was too angry and bitter then and I just hated God so much that I couldn't bare going to church for a Sunday mass. Then came a time that I felt so ashamed of such action. My life is still not perfect and I'm not expecting it to be but things are going on smoothly. I realized that God gave me such sorrow to make me appreciate "happiness" even more. No one have the wisdom to understand His Will and there are still so many things that I don't understand but faith is very important. The trouble, the pain, the agony, the suffering gets doubled if a man has no faith and I've experienced it.

I still have so many dreams that are yet to happen. I hope I'd be strong enough to face the trials that I have to pass to reach them.

I hate to admit it but I am so dependent on certain things. There are blessed people who are just happy and contented being alone and loved by their families and friends, apparently I'm not one of the blessed. I needed someone to love me, value me and respect me the way leading ladies in romantic movies and stories are loved, valued and respected. I couldn't help it. I was too impatient and after one failed relationship to another I then doubted God's love which was so wrong I know.

This time, God sent me a very special gift and showed me a living miracle in the presence of this man. No he's not a prince nor a geek with hidden super powers, he is just one ordinary man who knows how to love me in an extraordinary way. I can't seem to explain it in words but things just feel so right even from the start. It took me some time to believe in happiness again. It took me some time to get back to my feet because I couldn't do it alone. He picked me up and held my hand till I'm back on track.

Cheers to the future!!! If I could talk to God, I'm gonna ask him more strength to take whatever He has for me tomorrow. Now that I'm happy the wheel of life won't stop turning, I wish I will be prepared when things go down. Just like the Pandora's Box, I recovered my faith too.

...Literature Classes with Miss M....

I happen to read some of my notes and books back in college. One of the things I miss were the Literature classes I had with one of my favorite teachers Miss Mendoza. Even if it wasn't easy, especially remembering the names and details of a certain literary piece, yet I love it. I love literature and I miss making reaction papers :).  I miss the class room drama when me and my classmates forget to submit an assignment or a certain project and our teacher just go as upset as she can be with the lines that goes like "the things I ask you to do are not for me but for you"....even if there's madness, the sense of care is there but not all my teachers did it though. The sharing of ideas were brilliant and the laughters shared were just so delightful to the soul. Oh! those arguments during class discussions and the petty fights between friends....

To my Tonette, Ethel, Ate Mira, Ate Tina, Ate Ced, (Maleen), Junrey and Brian thank you for those great memories........sometimes I imagine we all meet up again and do Shakespeare...hahaha.....hmm...Brian might not join though...LOL...

'Net, remember that time when we had an issue and we were not talking for days and yet we had to present Othello?!!hahaha..... I miss your craziness.....pala away man gud ka... joke!!haha....

And to Miss Mendoza, thank you for being not just a teacher but a friend to us!!!!!! It's been many years but I/we will never ever forget it of course. Note: I still have the gift you brought back from Baguio (if you still remember it) LOL!!!! ----BUT Miss, I still hate the TESL class until now...hahaha.....



...Was Once Unhappy TOO...

Not so long ago I kept on writing blog posts about loneliness, distress, being lost, hopelessness and all other sorts of "sad emotions". All those times I've been surrounded by my super loving and caring family and "very few" good and true friends. Had it not been because of their support I don't think I'd be better and of course my faith too. Though I know that my faith had been shaken really bad few years back, luckily it still saved me. This faith won't be back without the help of so many good people I have and I've met in my life and without a little touch of "miracle", silly as it may sound to many people but it's true. Years of experience and not stopping to analyze how "my life works" do help too.

Now, yes I'm happy and I'm treasuring every moment of it. We can't really tell what happens in the future and I always pray for strength to face whatever that would be. Having said that, I can say that sometimes I do worry about certain things but what does worrying do? Nothing really. Life is and will never be perfect and I'm not wishing it to be perfect either. All I want is more strength everyday to be able to face the trials that are yet to come.

For now I am very thankful to all of my loved ones, my family: Mama Shirley, Papa Edwin, to all my siblings, to Lorin with Fabby, to my Fabrice and to all my other friends who never got tired of listening to my woes. I thank you all for the support, love and care you give me everyday. I could not ask for more!!! I hope and pray that no matter what happens in the future, no matter how many trials we have to face we will still be together.

To all my friends who are NOT happy or who felt lost or who are afraid of the "unknown" just hang on...and have faith...we all have our stories to tell, we all have our share of life's misfortunes and life's nature of being "unfair". I'm not in my "death-bed" for me to sound like I've already known the whole story of my life. I know there's a LOT to come, I just pray that I'd still be whole in the end. Important thing is that I'm happy NOW and I'm appreciating every second of it but I am not forgetting the fact that I was once very unhappy and I thought it was impossible to be this happy again.

C'est la vie!!!